March 2009
1 post
The Kids Are Not His Sons
A woman births eight kids, now has fourteen kids total, and desperately needs financial help to stay alive. In other unrelated news, Michael Jackson has announced that he’s coming out of retirement.
One wears a single glove, the other needs a hand out. Sometimes this stuff writes itself.
February 2009
1 post
Munchies
Society condemns Michael Phelps and his smoking weed the same week it CELEBRATES Denny’s giving out free Grand Slams.
Hypocrites. All of you.
January 2009
5 posts
Hudson Bowl
Jennifer Hudson’s performance of the National Anthem this Sunday will mark her first public appearance since her family’s tragedy last year. The flight crew that crash landed in the Hudson River will be honored, as well. I wonder if the field will be sprayed with H.D. Hudson brand weed killer, too …
Sweet Trunk of Mine
Guitar hero Slash has demanded support for the Los Angeles Zoo’s half-built elephant exhibit. Yeah, because a former member of Guns ‘N Roses is an expert on what it’s like to finish a project.
Size Matters
Republicans are criticizing President Obama’s economic plans because they really fear the size of his stimulus package. Insert black joke here.
Food for Thought
Honor the dreams of Dr. Martin Luther King and newly appointed President Obama by having a food drive in your community! I am — I’m calling it “The Yes We Canned Food Drive!” Community service can be fun!
It's in the Cards
The Phoenix Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl. On Tuesday, America inaugurates its first black President.
On Wednesday, the devil buys a coat, ‘cuz it must be getting chilly down there.
September 2007
1 post
The Juice vs. Mother's Milk
Thank goodness O.J. was up to his old tricks again last weekend. Sally Field was ALMOST important again.
July 2007
1 post
The Apologists
While the tabloids speculate who will fill the two vacant seats at Barbara Walter’s round table, I say this is the perfect chance to kick The View while it’s down and create a worthy competitor, like the defunct Dick Clark/Mario Lopez vehicle The Other Half, which, despite its male roster, was still obviously for women. Here’s my pitch: Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Don Imus, and...
June 2007
1 post
Showcase Lowdown
In one week’s worth of news, Bob Barker retires from The Price Is Right and neutering jokes abound. He is really passionate about controlling the pet population, you know. Also, in the wake of Lohan’s and Hilton’s crimes and punishments, tabloids ask, “Where are the parents?” I don’t think the two stories are unrelated.
May 2007
3 posts
Holly Wouldn't Even If She Could
Lohan’s coke binge, caught on tape. Hasselhoff’s drunken hamburger mangling, caught on tape. Baldwin’s domestic rant, caught on tape. I think I’m going to produce my own reality TV show, Who DOESN’T Want to be a Millionaire, So Your Vices Can Still Remain a Secret? Who wants to audition?
To Catch a Pageant Star
America’s Most Wanted tried to capitalize on the success of the Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator series by setting up their own Internet predator sting, using the current Miss America as bait. Now, Miss America reveals that no one told her she’d have to testify against these creeps in court, and that without her testimony they may be released. Hm, asking a young woman to do you a...
April 2007
1 post
Shiny Nappy People
MSNBC drops their simulcast of the Don Imus show after his now infamous broadcast that included the phrase “nappy-headed hos.” Further, “Rev.” Al Sharpton has called for CBS to cancel Imus’ talk radio show. They’re outraged at his blatant racism … never mind the sexism. They’d rather be a “ho” than “nappy-headed,” I guess....
March 2007
6 posts
Beauty = Skin Deep
The results are in: Anna Nicole Smith died of an overdose of, well, pick any one of the nine drugs in her system. I feel … what? Relieved? Suspicious? Autopsies certainly reveal what, but watch any episode of Law & Order to learn that they rarely reveal how — in other words, we know what killed her, but we don’t know how it got there. “Yes, officer, a knife, killed...
Pull Out, We Must
Last weekend, Cindy Sheehan likened the Bush Administration’s “war machine” to the Death Star. That must make her Princess Leia. I wonder, is she really against the Administration, or is this an elaborate excuse for getting to wear that slave outfit in public? I’m sorry for the loss of your son, Cindy, but do the rest of us really have to suffer, too?
Wreck Age
Last weekend’s top headlines featured a kidnapping of a three-day-old baby and a brutal attack on a 101-year-old woman. Finally, two news stories that come together as lifespan bookends to prove that no one is safe, no matter how helpless you are. Why the NRA hasn’t used these stories to assert the importance of arming our infant and elderly populations is beyond me.
Death to America
Captain America, R.I.P.
A Futile Enterprise
The onslaught of tornadoes that have struck Georgia and Alabama is a lose/lose situation for the Department of Homeland Security, FEMA, and the Bush Administration. If FEMA reacts promptly, as they should, folks will compare their quickness on behalf of white victims* to their oft criticised New Orleans response time. If they react poorly again, folks will wonder why the system hasn’t...
Tomb-tanic
James Cameron has found the decayed body of Jesus Christ. And Leonardo DiCaprio is slated to star. “I’M KING OF THE JEWS!”
February 2007
3 posts
Welcome to Hollywood
So an American Idol hopeful faces possible early elimination from the competition because scandalous photos of her have popped up on the Internet. Heck, I say she’s already won! Anybody can get a record deal (just ask Paris Hilton), but not everybody can get the country to clamour over seeing them naked (just ask Paris Hilton). She has it. Handling a controversy like this should be a...
Who's Your Daddy?
Last week, the two questions that dominated the headlines were: Who will be the Presidential frontrunner for the Democratic Party? and Who is the real father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby? While each story represents a completely different aspect of American culture, I cannot help but recognize a few similarities: each story stars two frontrunners (Barack and Hilary, and Stern and Birkhead,...
Oscar Buzzed
Boy, did I pick the wrong night to start a tumblelog. The Internet is no doubt ablaze with Oscar buzz. In a few days, pop culture is going to wake up, roll over, look at all of this Academy Award coverage, and slowly slide out of bed, pull on its pants, and sneak out of the room. When the goggles wear off, it’ll see the Oscars for what it really is — the same booty call it beckons...